Triangles

In our daily activities as a Sangha, very often a relationship evolves into what we call the “triangle.” This is something that puts the happiness of the Sangha at risk. The triangle is created when one person in the Sangha is suffering, irritated, and upset at a second person and goes to a third person to complain. The one who is irritated has not yet learned to transform her suffering, to open her heart, to listen deeply, or to practice the art of loving speech. She is not able to go directly to the person whom she thinks is the cause of her suffering and talk to him. So she complains to her friend about the one who has made her suffer, pouring out all her dislike for him. This triangle can be established anywhere, in any community. It can also happen in our own family. Part of Sangha building is to prevent these triangles from forming. We have to find a way to stop it from blooming while it is still only a bud.

When we suffer and are not able to deal with our suffering, we search for someone who will listen to us. This is natural. Sharing our difficulties with a friend can be very beneficial. When we find a person who listens deeply, we already feel less suffering. If we were not allowed to talk about our difficulties and express our painful feelings, they would become like knots inside us. But if our brother or sister takes our side and joins us in blaming the third person, even though we may feel better, we will be forming a triangle. If we complain to someone and he takes our side in this way, it does not necessarily help us to suffer less. When we water our seeds of anger and ignorance these seeds will not have the opportunity and the right conditions to be transformed. Therefore we have to look deeply when we feel a need to look for someone to complain to.

All of us have also at some time or other had a friend come to us to complain. When our friend came to us we may have made a mistake and agreed to speak unlovingly about a third brother or sister. Therefore, we must practice how not to form the triangle. We should not turn away from our suffering friend and say: “I am sorry, I cannot listen to you complaining.” When someone who is suffering comes to you, please practice listening deeply with an open mind and compassion.

By listening deeply we will discover what is in the heart of our suffering friend. By not taking sides, we can also try to understand the person who helped cause our friend’s suffering. In telling her story, our friend may distort the truth because of her wrong perceptions, and after having listened deeply we can help her to see more clearly so that she will suffer less. As we express our love for our sister, we can help her undo her wrong perceptions and remind her that the other person may have been unskillful in one way, but that he has many good qualities as well. When we do this skillfully, her heart will soften and she will suffer less. We can also suggest that our sister and brother meet together, with us there to help them find peace and joy, and to help restore the happiness of the Sangha.

Sometimes we may also find ourselves standing outside a triangle. Sooner or later the triangle will damage the happiness of our community or family, and we will suffer also. In these times, we can also practice Sangha building by talking with our brothers and sisters in the triangle. Or if we feel we are not able to practice by ourselves, we can call on someone else, perhaps our teacher or an elder who has more skill, and ask him or her to help in resolving the matter.

In any Sangha, lay or monastic, the triangle is a tiny shoot that sprouts from the seed of division and unhappiness in the community. If the shoot continues to grow, the community will become more unhappy. Everyone in the Sangha has the duty to uproot the triangle before it can grow. This is the work of Sangha building, and it has been used in Plum Village for many years now.